Of Dwarves and Perverted Mammals

VerroakWhat is happening on Azeroth lately? Did someone release some kind of pheromones into the air to distract all the mammals by making them squawk each other all day? It all started when a frost vrykul called Gretta appeared in my tower through one of the shipping portals. Apparently she’s some kind of arbiter in… some kind of vrykul blood sport? I don’t know, I don’t care about her. However, someone else cares about her too much. When she appeared, Yu Gwai immediately ordered her to return where she came from, but she refused, pursuing Arcanist Shazaad for whatever reason, so a fight broke out. And then the shouts turned from pained grunts to… a different kind of moans. Yeah, they started having sex. In the portal room in MY tower. The only reason I didn’t come in to immediately break it up was that I didn’t want to look at it. (Still a better love story than Twilight…)

But that’s not even all. Apparently Wrathion found some whelp that hatched in Outland, and that whelp was female. So I watch the social media feed and immediately see reports of those two kissing each other and guess what, the whelp jumping on Wrathion. Seriously, these two are on another planet, in a different timeline, IN THE PAST. You can’t even explain this with pheromones in the air. And then? I see Anachronos pull something that might make him a secret Infinite agent and pull a version of a Kirin Tor Archmage from some alternate timeline and just leave him here. I don’t know why would he do that, or how would a squawking bronze dragon not see that as a danger to the fabric of the universe, but he did that. And then the would-have-been-Archmage starts kissing and groping Tess Greymane. I mean, what the actual squawk is going on? Did I miss some mammal mating season?

Unrelatedly, I got myself a dwarf. After one of my previous Greenhearts died from a Fara infection (and multiple stab wounds by Aeresham), I had to fill the void with someone new. Just at the same time, Papsey sent me a flier some dwarf was sending out in search of a job. As he said on the flier he’ll take “almost any job except prostitution” I decided to ask him to come over and test him. He’s called Ballough something, I never had a head for dwarven names, or most mammal names really. He had enough of an experience to look like he was worth all of the other Greenhearts together, so I wanted to hire him, but he needed to pass a test. Of secrecy, of listening to his orders, and of not running into stupid things and getting infected with alien plagues.

So I contacted Ammal’thazad and set up with him a scenario to play out without the dwarf’s knowledge. Without going into details on that, I informed everyone else involved this is just a test (so that Aeresham doesn’t go overzealous and tries to kill the lich) and sent them off, telling the dwarf he, Yu Gwai, Aeresham and one thug are to recover a crate of important supplies my contact was transporting through Northdale when he went off the radar. Poddric made a portal, and the four went through to Eastern Plaguelands.

Everything was going well, as Yu Gwai tells me. First they met some ghouls they easily dispatched (because I took care they’d be easily dispatchable), then found a large group of skeletons at the entrance of Northdale’s town hall. Fortunately, the dwarf didn’t charge into the skeletons like the stupid dead Greenheart did and worked with the others to deal with them. At the next step, I asked Ammal’thazad to create something that spreads the Plague of Undeath to test the dwarf’s not-getting-infected skills. Although the lich went a bit overboard and made a plague eruptor, my minions managed to take it down, and the dwarf even avoided the rupturing plague pustules. Turns out he wasn’t at least a total idiot!

So then they went to fight the lich himself. Of course Ammal’thazad couldn’t stop himself from complaining about my writing (what’s wrong with “Forever King of Tuathar”? I heard Menrim say that word once) and almost broke the dwarf’s supension of disbelief, but they continued fighting. Again, from what I hear everything went swimmingly. Except for the part where he got Frost Nova’d and didn’t use a trinket to dispel it or something, but as far as I was concerned, he was perfect for the job. When the lich feigned death (he must have multiclassed into hunter in life), Aeresham apparently insisted on killing the lich for a while until Yu Gwai got them all out of there and back to my tower.

So I got the dwarf the position of Greenhearts’ Captain, though he’s probably overqualified even for that. He didn’t really get the chance to go to Draenor yet, but he knows what’s up and Papsey doesn’t, so he didn’t talk either. I hope he can deal with common thieves, untrustworthy debtors and perverted vrykul just as well as he does with skeletons and massive, disgusting zombies.

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About Arakkoa

Verroak Krasha, an Arakkoa druid with over 50 years of experience. Formerly from Farahlon, during the Orcish expansion relocated to Skettis, then to Sethekk Halls, then to rebuilt Shattrath, following the heresies in each of those places. Finally, he founded his own succesfull alchemy business and set out into the wide cosmos to explore strange new worlds and seek out new life and boldly go where no bird has flown before. View all posts by Arakkoa

2 responses to “Of Dwarves and Perverted Mammals

  • Arcanist Shazaad

    Is she still after me? I thought we settled this matter already.
    Anyway, I am particularly alarmed by the romance in the air lately. Thankfully, I will be immune to whatever it is causing this epidemic of love.

    • Arakkoa

      I think that now that some of hormones got vented into… other activities she might be changing her objectives. For a time, at least.

      And you never know if you’ll be immune. I saw elementals get infatuated before.

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